Grief of Life Never Lived
There is a particular kind of grief that doesn't always have a name and a grief I am quite familiar with myself. It happens when you look at your life and realize it is nothing like you imagined it would be.
Maybe you thought you would be married with kids by now.
Maybe you thought you would never be divorced.
Maybe you thought you’d have a certain kind of career, making a certain amount of money after all this time.
Maybe you thought that by this point, everything you were striving for would have been here and you would feel more settled, more secure, more relaxed and certain about your future.
But alas, here you are still wondering where the time went and if you missed out on a pivotal life corner that you failed to turn left on.
At the same time, you may be grateful for the life you have and experiences that are a part of your story and still experience grieving the loss of life you thought you would hoped to have.
Both things can be true.
Grief of an Unlived Life
Grief isn't only about losing someone. We can grieve possibilities, relationships that never evolved or happened at all, opportunities we missed, versions of ourselves we once were or a version of ourselves we never became.
Sometimes we reach a realization:
"I thought my life would look different by now."
That realization can bring sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, self-judgement, or even shame.
"What happened?"
"Did I make a mistake?"
"Am I behind?"
"Am I being punished for decisions I made?”
These questions are nearly impossible to answer nor could they always explain your current life. The thing is, you can grieve a life you thought you would have had while simultaneously accepting and at times, appreciating, the life you have.
Grief Can Exist While Also Persevering
Accepting where you are does not mean giving up on what you want.
Acceptance is not saying:
"This isn't what I wanted, but I guess this is it….it is too late for me."
Instead, it can sound like, “This is where I am today. I can acknowledge that this isn't where I thought I'd be, and I can still decide what I want to do from here."
You don't have to force yourself to be grateful for everything and you don't have to pretend that disappointment doesn't hurt. In fact, not everything needs to be immediately made into a positive life lesson.
Sometimes you simply need to acknowledge: This isn't the life I imagined and it is ok that I have feelings about it.
Looking Back Without Losing Sight of What You Gained
At the same time, there can be another side to this story. Sometimes the path we took gave us experiences we never would have had if our lives had unfolded exactly as planned.
For example, if I would have been married at 27 with 3 kids by 30, I probably would have never moved cross country living in expensive cities as a single person. I would have not been able to spend money on expensive hobbies, travel or go back to school and complete it as "easily" as I would have if my home life looked different.
The years I thought I was waiting for were actually years that added stories and chapters to my life that I can reflect back on and share with others.
My life didn't unfold the way I expected. But there were experiences, relationships, and adventures along the way that I wouldn't trade.
Your Life Is Not Finished
At the end of the day, we can lose sight of what is in front of us when we become too focused on a self-imposed timeline that we expected to follow.
You are still living your life and your experiences are not over.
Your life may not look exactly like the picture you had in your head years ago and you are allowed to grieve that, but you are also allowed to build a beautiful life from where you are now.
Keep growing my friends.
Till next time,
Kristine Santiago, M.A., APC
Trauma-Informed Care | EMDR-Trained | Holistic Mental Health
Comments