When Home Feels Different: Understanding Your Cultural Identity as the Child of Immigrants
Updated: 8 hours ago
Growing up between cultures can be complicated in ways that are difficult to explain to people if you have never experienced it. You may have grown up in America while your parents came from a different culture. In school, you speak English and engage in western traditions and costumes, but at home you may speak a different language sharing a set of values that only your family understands. Because of your culture, what it means to be a “good child” may look different than your friends, and somehow you are also being encouraged to be independent but create your own individuality that does not always fit within your home expectations.
Sometimes, you are too (insert culture characteristic) for your friends, but too “American” within your family. It is like you are constantly being pulled between two worlds and never really know how to fit in perfectly with one.
Somewhere in between all of that, you start to ask yourself:
Who am I?
You Can Love Your Culture and Still Question It
Growing up with two different cultures can make you feel like you need to choose one, especially the one of your family. But there is a reality in which you don’t have to choose between the two nor do you have to accept every part of your household culture.
You are allowed to have a complicated relationship with your culture. You are allowed to value family traditions and parts of the family structure while also recognizing some of the expectations don’t work for you.
You can appreciate the sacrifices your family has made and the lives they have lived without feeling guilted or made to believe that your entire life needs to honor their sacrifices.
Developing a cultural identity isn’t about choosing one culture over another. It can actually look like figuring out which parts of your experience with culture feels authentic to you.
It can also look like there are seasons of your life where you want to learn more and experience more of one.
Cultural Identity Is Something You Can Continue to Explore
You don’t have to define your cultural identity by a certain age; identity can continue to be explored as you experience life.
How you know yourself at 25 won’t be the same at 35 and there may be parts of you craving different aspects of your culture later in life. For me, as a Puerto Rican woman, I finally made the commitment to learn Spanish with the goal of fluency. Do you know how long I have been saying I “need” to do this? But now, something about this time in life, where I want to do it. It’s important for me to experience that part of my culture.
Identity can change as you gain new experiences.
You may also discover that you feel most comfortable identifying with multiple cultures rather than fitting neatly into one.
There is no single correct way to experience being a child of immigrants.
Therapy Can Help You Explore Who You Are
If you have spent much of your life trying to meet the expectations of your family, then you have probably felt pulled between two worlds, pressured to conform to expectations while struggling to feel accepted by your culture(s). And with all that, you find yourself struggling to identify how you want.
Therapy can provide space to explore that question without judgment.
Culturally responsive therapy can help you examine family expectations, boundaries, self-esteem, relationships, and the experiences that shaped how you understand yourself.
The goal isn't to tell you which parts of your culture you should keep or reject, but rather help you develop a clearer understanding of who you are, what you value, and what kind of life you want to create. And most importantly, which pieces of your culture(s) you want in your life as they can both coexist.
Kristine Santiago, M.A., APC
Trauma-Informed Care | EMDR-Trained | Holistic Mental Health
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